The Misadventures of Shitman

I started my Troll rogue on WoW last night. It was a very... interesting... experience. Let me explain.

A Troll rogue, to start off with, is not the hardiest of characters, and it seems that the Barrens (and in general the area around the Valley of Trials) is particularly harsh. Far harsher than the Night Elf or Human areas, that's for certain. So I'm having a fair amount of trouble anyway, and then from nowhere this aggro Vile Minion comes bounding over and fireballs me. He's only lvl3, and I'm lvl3, so I'm all what the hey, it should be okay. Right? Wrong. He soundly beats me, and sends me packing. I was a bit damaged going into that last fight (aggro creeps are such a pain), so I decide to try it again. Nope, no luck. So I wander off to do something else for a bit.

Wandering off to the next town (I either rape or get raped by everything in this area) proves not to be any use, since everything around there would be (and is once, thanks again to aggro) a total beating. Even the quests show up in various shades of red or orange! So I head back to the Valley to grind for a while. I eventually grind up to a point where I can take down one Vile Minion, and am having fun doing so. That is, of course, until I manage to trigger a second one while fighting the first. Gang rape time! Of course, they are not content with this, and bring 2 spiders with them as well. One is only (only! Ha!) lvl8, and looks a bit like a black widow. The other is a fair amount bigger (bigger, say, than my fucking character) and is showing up as lvlFUCK (skull and crossbones for the uninitiated). Needless to say, I was not long for that particular world, and was almost instantly sent back to my graveyard. I decided to explore that area as a ghost a bit more, see exactly what I would be up against. It seems the Glass-web spider (the big one) was the worst monster up in those parts, but boy was it a doozy!

So, time to pick a different direction again. I remember a new area that I opened a while back that I should be able to survive by now, and head off in that direction. Sadly, while taking a close look at the sea, I fell in. From a cliff. In my flailings, I managed to attract the sweet ministrations of a giant blue lobster thing. Let's just say that lobster was not the special of the day in that particular restaurant. Surprisingly, my ghost never appeared this time, I was just left there as a crumpled heap (that gives you some idea of how bad it was... even my ghost was too scared to show up), so I had to log off and back on to respawn. This had surprising ramifications...

When I logged back on, I found myself inexplicable tranported to Booty Bay, an area that turns out to be on the southernmost tip of Lordaeron. Which is the Alliance continent. Thankfully for me, it is full of neutral creeps, and they were even quite happy giving me quests and whatnot. Down at the docks, however, I found what would prove to be my undoing: a portal to Stormwind.

To understand my next actions, you must understand that I had not yet fully realised that I was on another continent entirely, the enemy continent, and that Stormwind was the capital city of said enemy continent. I thought only that this portal thing was something that I had never come across before, and gosh darn it I was going to give it a bash! So in a hopped.

I would say the other side was carnage, but it was not. The interaction between myself and the inhabitants on the far side was of such a short duration that I was not even a witness to it myself. By the time my client decided to display events, I was already an ethereal entity standing over my mangled remains. The mounted hero in front of me was still standing at his rest position, as if he had never even moved. It appeared as if his disapproving gaze falling on me with the full brunt of his fury had proven sufficient to strike me down where I stood.

I wandered about aimlessly for a little while in the city, half-heartedly looking for a graveyard. I decided that any potential burial grounds would be havily guarded by more mounted ass-rapers with fancy decorations around their level indicators (which would invariably be the much-dreaded Jolly Roger), so I moved out looking for adventure (and whatever came my way). The terrain looked vaguely familiar, and I finally recognised it as being near to the Human starting point when I wandered into a town called Goldshire. Fond memories of being gang-banged by wolves came flooding unbidden into my Trollish brain from nowhere, and I instinctively turned towards the graveyard, hoping that in such a low-level area, only low-level guardians would reside, giving me a chance to resurrect and run for long enough to activate my hearth stone for a flashy getaway. While the guardians were, as predicted, fairly low level, I was not counting on the 75% reduction to stats, damage and, more importantly, armour, that a resurrection without your body curses you with. Let's just say that I decided to call it a night there after a few attempts. At some other point I will try make my ethereal way back to a neutral graveyard, but that is a misadventure for another day.